Divine Patience for Misogeny – The Velvet Hammer

photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

I enjoy being challenged about my relationship perspectives because being questioned always puts me in a position to solidify my own understanding and new ways I can express it to a variety of people coming from their own position. I got into a conversation recently with a man who seemed to be trying to connect with the perspective I expressed in the new video I just posted for the Let Love Come To You summit that I am participating in next month. He had quesions about soul-mates and seemed to be confusing attraction with magnetism, and thought a relationship was more like a dance, etc. Nothing wrong with much of what he was saying, except when he accused me of being too attractive to relate to the “average” person AND inferred that attractive women can just sit back and let the men flock to them for sex and baby making. Here are his words:

“…My life experience as a relatively unattractive man, that I share with many other average and below average men, is that I had to make huge efforts to move towards women who “attracted” me, and take the risk of rejection, and otherwise would end up alone (which by the way, I grew increasingly comfortable with). On the other hand I noticed how many attractive women, like you, live in a totally different social/manifest reality. That men constantly move towards you (following their procreative sexual impulse of course). And in that way, I sense, there is an attractor (typically the attractive woman) and the attracted (typically multiple men) who are expected by social conventions to make “the move” or to lead. In that way, the “law of attraction” may resonate more with attractive women than with unattractive women and men in general. Of course, attractive women then have the burden to choose (where are all the good men – lamenting). And not every woman, depending on her attractiveness has these choices…”

I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, so I decided that he did not necessarily intend to be insulting with this statement, but I thought it scary enough that he was so completely integrated with this mind-set that he felt comfortable openly sharing this without apology. It seemed to me that whatever rejection he received in the past (he is now in a relationship with a very beautiful woman) may have skewed his view of women and the value (or lack of) that he places on their relevance in life. So here is my response:

“I guess I should thank you for the complement about my physical beauty. I don’t consider myself any more physically attractive than most, and I don’t say that to be self-deprecating or modest. I also didn’t consider that you might be “relatively unattractive” until you told me. You may be correct that I live in a different social manifest reality. That is the reality I welcome everyone into. It is a reality, no less real than the one you describe. To live here with me and others like me, you don’t have to look a certain way, but your soul’s beauty must shine through. That’s how we are magnetically drawn to our soul-mate; two people actively drawn to each other, to act on that magnetic attraction, not stand around passively waiting. This is universally available. I encourage people to connect deeply with the interior and live from there. The exterior life of a couple that has magnetized to each each other can be like a dance, I agree, and their connection during the dance is harder to break when the ups and downs of life in the physical distract because they are drawn to each other from a truer and deeper place.While I am not offended by your statement “That men constantly move towards you (following their procreative sexual impulse of course),” please consider that this perspective can be offensive. For some women who are considered physically “attractive” this is precisely the perspective that can easily block them from drawing love into their life. A physically attractive woman is also a whole and complete person, not just a sex and procreation receptacle. But when a woman is bombarded with this type of one dimensional attention, it can be difficult for her to remain grounded in her spirit and resist identifying herself this way, which leads her to lose connection with her authentic self and how can she be her best self when she is so busy being what others have told her is the best she has to offer. If what you stated were true, then every attractive woman on earth would be happily in love since they all have their pick. It’s not just about having choices unless you are willing to settle for weak and pale temporary sexual chemistry. Which many do, unknowingly. If the choices you have before you are not energetically matched to you on a soul-lular level, because you are not BE-ing your true authentic self, but a pale version of that self, patterned after a false identity that was given to you and accepted by you since it is desirable by the masses, the potential mates available to you will not feel like real choices. My younger sister, 7 years my junior, is 32 and hasn’t found love yet, although she genuinely wants it. She looks very much like me, but I have been with my husband for over 20 years. So if it was about looks and having your pick of men, she should have been married long ago, along with so many other men and women who are “attractive.”BTW – every masculine man who steps up to do his part to pursue a woman, takes the risk of rejection, whether they consider themselves traditionally attractive or “relatively unattractive.” This dynamic is not just a social convention. For a masculine man it is deeply satisfying to conquer, and in woo-ing a woman, or many women over time, it is a triumph over an important challenge in life when they are finally successful at it. It gives them a sense of power that comes from the depths within them. I don’t know your full story, but it seems like you are to be congratulated for conquering this part of your life. ;-)”
Now I don’t post this exchange to cast him in a negative light, I believe he is good man who lives a life of contribution to others, so this is not to villify him. I am posting this because his perspective is not unique to him. So many PEOPLE, men and women, girls and boys, hold on to this view and it is so damaging to girls and women as well as human relationships. Whether you consider yourself “attractive” or not, I ask that you reject this idea that a woman’s value comes from her sexual relevance. While masculine and feminine energy, sexuality and sensuality are all an important part of who we are as individuals and how we relate to the world, there is so much more. By viewing women through this filter, we all fall victim to it. So please reach inside yourself, find your true nature and give that to the world. It may change a bit from year to year and even moment to moment, but give the fullness of who you are, not just who others have determined you to be.
B love B well,